Reflections

I have not written in a long while.

I have been reflecting on many things since my father was diagnosed with 4th stage small cell lung cancer. Doctor gave him a 10-15% chance of surviving a year. Recently, he had to stop all treatment as his body could not take further dose of chemotherapy. He already had the maximum dosage for radiotherapy.

I do not know my father. I have a faint memory of him taking the whole family for late night supper at the Killiney Road market. The market has long been torn down. I think it is at the site where the present Telecom building is. I don't know for sure. I was probably 4 or 5 years old then. I do remember that he bought some fatty pork for us. Somehow I enjoyed eating that. Strange because all my life, I can only remember that I greatly detest the smell and taste. I can throw up at slightest hint of fat in my mouth.

All my other memories of my father have been unpleasant. He spent more than 30 years gambling and alienating himself from his family.

Before I married, I have often wondered whether I can be a better father.

Now,with Gracie, failure is simply not an option. I fear more that I may die prematurely and I cannot be there for her as she grows up. My heart wrenches because I know I may not always turn away from danger. Definitely not if my duties demand it. The world has always been in turmoil. Nobody can really take peace for granted. Save for the innocents.

We were all innocent once. I wish for the children of this world to be able to take living for granted and to keep their innocence a bit longer.

Life's cycle

This is a belated post. It was filed under draft and forgotten....

My father was diagnosed with small cell lung cancer 2 weeks ago. Today, I learnt that the doctor gave him 15% chance of living for one year. Double that if on chemotherapy.

I do not know my father well. He was hooked on gambling for most of his life, enstrangling my mother and the rest of the family. I do not know him at all.


The longest conversation we ever had was a few years ago when he was first stricken by hypertension and fainted. The next day, I took time out from work to see how he was. I spent more than 30 min lecturing him on his failure as a father and husband. He was sober....

Powered By Milk

It seems that the duration of our outing is dictated by the supply of milk. A bottle for every 3 hours. Gracie also like the comfort of the child safety seat. She often falls asleep during a drive. I would then need to time the drive properly to avoid disturbing her nap too often. It is either a rushed meal to get home before her nap time or a slower than usual drive. Or a long detour going up to Mount Faber so that she can sleep longer.

I think we have spoilt her somewhat. She has probably seen more of Singapore than many people. Right before her third month, we started to bring her out. Her first trip out was to the flower festival at the Sentosa. She was asleep for half the time. Nowaday, she look forward to an outing. Her favourite must be to the children playground. She can't walk but will flail her hands wildly in excitement at the sight of children playing. When I do take her out for a stroll just before dinner when no children are playing, she will be pensive. In fact, as she grew older, she smiles less. Perhaps, due to flat expressions that greet her as people hurried on their way home after a long day. She still gaggles and giggles at strangers if they do look at her. And she will then turn her face away coyly, stuffing both her hands into her mouth. That usually provokes a delighted smile. Otherwise, she will stare intently at each and every person who walks past, hoping for some human response. I hope she will not lose that innocent happiness too soon.

We want to expose her to as many different sights as possible. Her passport has been processed and we are planning for her first overseas trip. To China, her mother's homeland. I cannot accompany her throughout due to work commitment. My heart already aches at the thought of not seeing her for a few weeks. Well, for now, it is the regular trips to the botanical garden, parks and malls. Powered by milk in thermo flask.

Back to work! Sigh!~

I went back to work today after a long 3 months break. By mid-morning, I start to miss Gracie badly. I kept picturing her flapping her arms, signalling that she wants to be pick up. During lunchbreak, I gave a call home. Raine immediately bombarded me with irritated questions. Why didn't I replace the washing machine lint filter after washing it? Why did I dump my towel together with the other dirty clothes? Ack ack ack ack!!! I didn't even get a chance to answer and then she asked me ,what's up? What am I calling about?
er.....I suddenly remember why I would be glad to go back to work.
"I miss you both, dear."
"Really! All the time that you were home, you had to spend your time on the computer!"

I had long learnt that silence is the best defense when she is in one of her moods.

Too bad, Gracie can't talk yet. Well, I hope that she will still be awake when I get home. I am also as happy to watch her sleep peacefully. After all these years, there is finally something that really make the drive home enjoyable. And absence do make the heart fonder.

Saving Gaia. One bottle at a time

I save a bottle for recycling today.
Big deal!

I am not fanatic about recyling. I do make the effort to set aside newspaper and paper waste for recycling. They are sold to the rags & bone for 10 cents a kilo. That's about a dollar a month. Pocket money!

Recently, the waste disposal company placed recycling bins all over my neighbourhood. I felt guilty about throwing away the wine bottle into the thrash, so I dropped it off into the recycling bin along with some empty milk powder tins. All of a sudden, it struck me how much trash we generate each day.

While doing the dishes today, I saw a sesame seed oil bottle that Raine has thrown into the trash. I picked it up. It is extremely greasy. I paused a while and then set about cleaning it for recycling.

I recalled a news article about Pulau Semakau. It is landfill (or sea fill) between two small islands. We dumped enough rubbish there is build up a new island. And that is after burning the combustible for energy. The residue is dumped into concrete cells The island when filled up in 2050 will be put to good use. Now it is already serving as a wild life sanctuary. Great job of waste management but I guess each of us can still contribute a small significant part.

I am saving Gaia by being more active in recycling and saving energy. One less bottle for the seafill. One drop less in the sea.

Saving Gaia for Gracie.

Rich and poorer

Raine and I was having a conversation about a rich Singaporean billionaire who has the whole of a 11-storey condominium for his family of three.

Raine made this observation.
"Well, the poor only have one worry - the lack of money and they are easily made happier by money. Any amount of money. The rich will have problems which cannot be solved by having more money."

How true is that. Imagine what a dollar means to the old man who trudged around Chinatown on one leg, selling packets of tissue paper. I guess I was too pragmatic then. I had no need at that moment, so I didn't buy any. The old man took it in his stride. Gave Gracie a big toothless smile and made funny noisy, as he hobbled by.

First bump on the head

It has to happen sooner or later.
Sort of like the first bleeding wound that I can remember as a child. We roamed the neighbourhood, my cousins and me, climbing onto the abandoned garages, squeezing through dirty drains. One by one, my playmates all suffered cuts and bruise from dramatic falls and tumbles. I accepted that my fate would be no different but I played on without a care.

It finally happened one day. I ran too close to a small drain and lost my footing. The result was painful but not as dramatic as I thought it would be. Multiple lines were scrapped along my upper thigh. Just enough to bleed but there will not be any trophy scar. Well, at least, that was out of the way.

With Gracie, we were very careful about her falling off our bed. We love to have her on our bed with us at night. Especially after when she woke up crying. Our king size bed also serves as a changing table and for her day naps. So whenever Gracie is on our bed, we will be very careful to prevent a fall. She would be surrounded by pillows and bolsters. It happened much when we least expected. Right when our vigilance are still heightened. At 5 months old. Gracie was taking her usual 8 pm nap. I was by her side watching her drifted off to sleep. Actually, it is more like tossing and twisting off to sleep. I then left the room to watch TV. Moments later, Raine chided me for not ensuring that Gracie was well sandbagged. My wife is normally more kia-su. She would cover the floor below the bed with pillows and bags of diaper. However, that night, she did not and she corralled Gracie with a bolster. I would not have done that. I had that it rolls off the bed easily when Gracie twists about. I regret not cautioning my wife on this.

About an hour later, Gracie cried out as she normally does after she woke up. Raine went into the bedroom and gave a terrified shout. Gracie had fallen off the bed onto the floor. The whole household was tense as we debated on what to do next. My mother-in-law who was staying with us at that time, was an anchor of calm. For once. I wanted to bring Gracie to the hospital for a check up but she seems to be alright. No prolonged crying. I was doubtful but it was decided that there no need for immediate medical attention. Much later, after the storm subsided, I went online to research on the topic. Hmmm...we are not alone on this. Plenty of advices from other parents on the various forums. That eased my mind a little. We did consulted a GP a day later when Gracie developed a cough. The GP assured us that babies are actually quite tough. If there is no vomiting, she will be alright.

Well, that's another story for my wife to exchange at the playground. As it turns out, there were several other children with worst experience, including one who fell out of his crib, twice the height of our bed.

With a small child, one can expect the unexpected. Like the time when Gracie arched over backward and almost hit her head on the table at the hawker center. I was holding her by her lower body against my chest. She suddenly threw herself backward and swung through more than 90 degree before snapping back up violently. I think she missed hitting her head by a mere cm or two. At that moment, as Gracie cried fearfully, I felt as guilty as if I had committed some horrific crime. Fortunately, she suffered no injury other than a nasty shock.

We have learnt our lessons and are more careful with Gracie now. And I do not accept any more of these things that will happen sooner or later. Some things need not happen for us to be wiser. I am painfully aware of this, each time my mother preaches some common sense stuff about baby to me. Now I listen and think through the relevance to my situation.