Preparing for Primary School

Getting into a good primary school in Singapore requires some preparation. Recently, I was coerced into volunteering for the school of choice by my wife. Unfortunately, River Valley Primary School stopped accepting parent volunteers 6 months ago. And that was for children going to primary in 2012! Many parents have already completed the required 40 hrs of volunteer work 2 years ahead. That would give them priority for registration under Phase 2B.  I was about to sign up with Radin Mas Primary School when I found out that I qualified as an old boy for River Valley Primary School. My old primary school, Kim Seng West Primary School was combined with Kim Seng East Primary School to form Kim Seng Primary School a few years after I left. Subsequently, Kim Seng Primary was combined with River Valley English School and River Valley Chinese School, to form River Valley Primary School. So luckily, my stint in Kim Seng West Primary School was considered to be having studied at River Valley Primary School. That gave me priority under Phase 2A(2). Just ahead of the parent volunteers! Phews! Based on the vacancies, Gracie is more or less assured of a place in River Valley Primary School. I will be tracking the vacancies by phases during this year's registration exercise. It will give interested parents an idea of their chances at each phase of Singapore's complicated primary school registration process.

Preparing for Fatherhood

Gracie is now 5 years old. Looking back, I guess I do not prepare myself at all for fatherhood. Fortunately, things worked out well although there were trying times. I want to document some of my thoughts on how to prepare for fatherhood. I hope you will benefit from my experience.

It take time and effort. So obviously, there will be compromises. I gave up golf for more than 5 years now although I am still paying for my country club membership all this while. I think I seriously need to think about giving the membership all together. I spend almost all my time with Gracie when I am not at work. I had thought that I would have more free time when she is older. Wrong there. As she grew, she sleep less. When she could communicate, she want to be engaged in activities all the time. So I spend hours reading to her, playing with a toy kitchen and play dough. They said that fatherhood is tough, well, I have no idea that it is testing me in different dimensions.

I guess I did not have a good role model for starter. Looking back, I guess there are ways to compensate. By observing others for example. Anyway, I was very worried about whether I would do well as  father. So I tried very hard. I think I may have borrowed close to a thousand books to read to Gracie. I can borrow up to 24 books at a time and I visit the library twice or trice a week.

I am tough. I can take the sleepless nights and the physical demands. Whew! It is the emotional demands that knocked me down many times. I quickly learnt to keep a level head. My wife has a quick temper. So I had to compensate and provide the stability for a healthy environment. I think a good temperment is especially important now that Gracie is old enough to observe our behaviour as parents. When she was younger, there was one occasion when I smashed my fist on the coffee and stormed out of the house with Gracie in arms. That stopped the quarrel between my wife and her mother. But that didn't stopped my wife from blowing up every now and then. I kept my temper even as I squeamed inside as I tried to remind my wife not to quarrel in front of Gracie. I guess a good strong bond between spouses is a necessity for parenthood. It is a great support for the trials of parenthood. So even as you get busy in parenting, do not forget to nourish your relationship with your wife. Take time out alone. My wife really appreciate that I tried. We could not go out alone ourselves until recently. If neither of us was with Gracie, she would cry. Boy, can she cry. The first time my wife and I tried going to a pub, Gracie cried for 2 hours until my wife reached home. My wife only stayed in the pub for 15min before my mother gave up and recalled us. My wife graciously allowed me to stay with my friends for a drink. It would be years later before we could go out together. Nowadays, my wife would go out for partying with her friends while I stay home. I guess I can do without the partying although I still meet up with friends occasionally.

Before I was married, I did not interact much with my nieces and nephews. Such prior experience of looking after children would have helped. The first time that I had such an experience was bringing my wife's nephew to a shopping mall by myself. It was uncomfortable at first, being solely responsible for a young child. Well, I guess a new father would very quickly settle down in this area. Still, it would help to be prepared.

At this stage of my life, I am most concerned about work life balance. I am fortunately that my employer is a strong advocate of work life balance. At the national level, Singapore encourages happy family life and wellness. I get 6 days of child care leave each year. That is most welcomed. But then I realised that I could hardly consumed my annual leave in the first place. That make me sit and think about my working life. In the past 2 years, I have twice rejected an overseas posting to France and Australia. It would have been good for Gracie to expose her to a different environment. But I have other considerations. My mother has a growing attachment to Gracie. She would not leave with us if I were posted overseas. I do want my mother to be happy in her old age. I cannot be a good parent without being good to my parent. How we do one thing, is how we do everything.

The New Gracie

Gracie was being difficult. She was having 'milk withdrawal' symptoms. She often get cranky in the afternoon when she need to get her 'milk fix'. On Tuesday, she cried and was rude to my mother, chasing her away from the room. My mother knew just what she needed and make her some milk. After Gracie finished drinking her milk, she went looking for my mother. She coyly asked my mother, "Who was that naughty girl who cried just now?" My mother was preparing dinner in the kitchen then. As my mother amusedly turned another, Gracie struggled to find her words. Then Gracie said,"I am the new Gracie." That brought a big smile to my mother.

Would You Tweet When Your Child Is Dying?

Would you tweet when your child is dying. This was all over the international news - a woman tweeted while emergency workers tried to revive her 2-years old child who was found at the bottom of a swimming pool. I reflected on this. I would not judge her harshly. What do you think? This is lifted off http://www.usatoday.com/

At 5:22 p.m., Shellie Ross ,an avid blogger and tweeter, posted a message about the fog that rolled in as she worked in her chicken coop. At 5:23 p.m., her 11-year-old son, Kris made an emergency call to police, according to Joe Martin, Brevard County homicide investigator. Ross and her son had found Bryson at the bottom of the pool. While Kris was calling for help on the phone, Ross performed CPR procedure on Bryson, said Martin.

Bryson was taken to Cape Canaveral Hospital where he was pronounced dead at 6 p.m. At 6:12 p.m. as Shellie Ross waited in a hospital for the word on her son, she posted this note on Twitter: "Please pray like never before, my 2 yr old fell in the pool."

Ross was later notified at 6:31 p.m. about her son's death.

"Her tweeting had nothing to do with what happened with regard to her son. It was an accident," Martin said. No charges will be filed.

When I first read the report, it was distorted, as was many reports on the net. I was led to believe that Ross tweeted on the side when emergency workers were performing CPR or something like that. In the light on the report from USAtoday, she was merely asking her usual support group for help. No different from making a call to a close family friend in times of need.

Quarrels

Raine has a short fuse. She just had another of those sudden squalls. She would blow her fuse over small matter. When I refused to be dragged into a quarrel, she would simmer within and just erupt suddenly. It just happened an hour ago. Looking back with some mirth, I guessed I had learnt something. In the past, I would totally ignore her, which would infuriate her more. Just now, I decided that I should apologise and so I did. It caught her by surprise and she sulkingly said everything is fine.

It started innocently. She was feeding Gracie. Something which she has no patience for. I offered to take over but Gracie insisted otherwise. So Raine was stuck with the task. Feeding Gracie normally take an hour. Only my mother is happy doing so - most of the time. Even my mother get exasperated sometimes. Anyway, Raine was getting irritated because Gracie was taking her own sweet time chewing. Raine raised her voice several times. Gracie then asked for water and she did so in a loud voice. I immediately admonished her in a soft tone. Raine made a sarcastic remark about the way I spoke softly. I was annoyed that she did so in front of Gracie. I retorted that Gracie learnt to be rude and loud from her. That hit a tender spot! Raine then shouted at me, saying that I am setting a bad example by saying such things in front of Gracie. Talk about irony. I grew angry and just clammed up. When I refused to engage in verbal combat, Raine's rage would grow and spin out of control. This time is no different. After 10 minutes, when Gracie was slow in taking another spoonful, Raine threw down the bowl with a bang and strode off into the bedroom, slamming the door loudly after her.

I was furious because I can see that Gracie was visibly affected. My mother heard the door slammed and she came into the living room to see what was wrong. She is wise and she kept quiet instead of asking what's wrong. I went on to feed Gracie. Gracie was tired as she did not nap in the afternoon. As usual, Raine did not try hard enough to get Gracie to sleep. That is another thing that gnaws at me.

Gracie fall asleep almost as soon as she finished eating. She asked for her mother because she knew something was not right. She did not protest as she normally would, when I told her that mommy is having a bath. Gracie then asked to be carried and she fall asleep in my arms within minutes.

I carried Gracie to the bedroom. Raine hurried to get the bed ready. She did not give the cold treatment to both of us as I had expected, so I relented as well. After putting Gracie to bed, I touched Raine and apologised. She refused to look at me but she replied that she was fine. Many times in the past when we had such quarrel, I would simply ignore her and go for a walk. Raine simply could not accept that. She needs to blow off her anger by yelling and arguing. Over the years, we have both learnt to be more accommodating. I know she has accepted that I do not like confrontation and I learn to just stand still in the firing zone for a while. Many times in the past, our quarrels lasted for 1 - 2 days. And they are normally over trivial matters. I guess that is part of marriage - to be continually tested.

Carrying A Baby

When Raine was pregnant, a senior colleague, Prakesh, gave me this advice. He said carry and hug your child as much as you like. Do not heed the advice of some old folks who think that carrying a baby too often would lead to undesirable behaviour from the baby. This seems to be a common thinking among the Chinese and Indian. Prakesh who is a grandfather lamented otherwise. He advised that children will grow up fast and before you know it, they will be running away from you. He regret not carrying and holding his grandchild often enough. Now the child desist being carried.

When I was younger I have heard this from my grandmother. Do not spoil a baby by carrying him or her whenever the baby cries. With Gracie, I did not really think about this issue. I just did what is natural. I would hold her and protect her. Now Raine constantly complained that I had spoiled her. Gracie would want to be carried whenever we go out, shopping or for a meal. Raine is annoyed because she is suffering from "slipped disc" and could not carry Gracie.

Gracie get plenty of exercise running and playing, of course. In fact, she loves to climb stairs. I would sometimes allow her to climb the stairs instead of taking the lift to our apartment. 9 flights of stairs.

I must admit that Gracie is somewhat spoiled in that way but it delights my mother to no end. My mother who must be among the most patient person anywhere, would drop whatever she is doing and carrying her precious granddaughter whenever Gracie went to her and asked to be carried. Sometimes out of the blue, Gracie would say, "it has been a long while since I was carried." It would bring a big smile to my mother's face as she hug and carry Gracie. "Bao. Bao"- that's Mandarin for hug, hold or carry. And Gracie's command to be carried.

Now I understand Prakesh's advice. Some day, Gracie would be too big to be carried. She would be too busy exploring the world as well. I hope she will always find time for "Bao.Bao."

The Little Rascal

My mother related this over dinner. She called Gracie a little rascal and spoke about how Gracie insisted on changing her spectacles. My mother has a pair of reading spectacles in addition to a pair that she would wear when out of the house. That is to rectify slight shortsightedness. Some time Gracie ago had noticed that my mother would wear spectacles occasionally. Gracie has this funny thing for maintaining things as they were. So she started insisting that my mother put on her spectacles when at home. Gracie also discerned that there are two different pairs of spectacles. My mother had told her that one is for reading and the other is for looking at the bus or train. Gracie corrected her saying, one is reading newspaper (because that is all that my mother read around the house) and the other is for looking at Gracie. That brought much mirth to the family.
So that day, as my mother was telling me, Gracie interrupted her reading, patiently folded up the newspaper and spoke my mother to change her spectacles. She said, "No, no, no. This is for reading newspaper. Go wear the pair that is for looking at Gracie!"
It is a good thing that Gracie has endeared herself to my mother. After my father passed away, my mother was staying alone by herself. She refused to move in with me or any of my brothers. At 70 years old, she still want to continue working as a cleaner at a school. My mother only stayed with us when my wife suffered severe back pain which was later diagnosed as "slipped disc". My mother stays with us during the weekdays to take care of Gracie while my wife recovers. Initially, she took a month's no-pay leave. Later, she quited when her supervisor objected to the leave. I can tell that she missed going to work and hanging out with her friends. Thankfully, Gracie more than make up for what she lost. It took a while before Gracie warmed up to her. Previously, Gracie would cling to me or my wife and would not allow anybody else to carry her. Nowadays, Gracie would walk up to my mother whenever my mother is preoccupied with some thing, reading or washing up, and clapped her hands. That is her signal for wanting to be carried and hugged. When my mother said she is busy, Gracie would replied that it has been a long time since she was last hugged. That totally demolished any objections and brought a smile to my mother's face. "Little rascal!", she would happily say.