Reflections

I have not written in a long while.

I have been reflecting on many things since my father was diagnosed with 4th stage small cell lung cancer. Doctor gave him a 10-15% chance of surviving a year. Recently, he had to stop all treatment as his body could not take further dose of chemotherapy. He already had the maximum dosage for radiotherapy.

I do not know my father. I have a faint memory of him taking the whole family for late night supper at the Killiney Road market. The market has long been torn down. I think it is at the site where the present Telecom building is. I don't know for sure. I was probably 4 or 5 years old then. I do remember that he bought some fatty pork for us. Somehow I enjoyed eating that. Strange because all my life, I can only remember that I greatly detest the smell and taste. I can throw up at slightest hint of fat in my mouth.

All my other memories of my father have been unpleasant. He spent more than 30 years gambling and alienating himself from his family.

Before I married, I have often wondered whether I can be a better father.

Now,with Gracie, failure is simply not an option. I fear more that I may die prematurely and I cannot be there for her as she grows up. My heart wrenches because I know I may not always turn away from danger. Definitely not if my duties demand it. The world has always been in turmoil. Nobody can really take peace for granted. Save for the innocents.

We were all innocent once. I wish for the children of this world to be able to take living for granted and to keep their innocence a bit longer.